


Don't Ask, Don't Tell

by radept



Category: The Dark Pictures: Man of Medan (Video Game), Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internal Conflict, M/M, Making Out, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Possessive Behavior, References to Depression, Repression, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, a LITTLE fluff???, i feel like i'm missing some shit but i honestly have no idea what else to put
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-26 08:13:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20739059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radept/pseuds/radept
Summary: They could stay like this, hiding forever, or they could be honest, and face the backlash that came with being themselves.Sometimes it's easier when people don't know.Right?





	Don't Ask, Don't Tell

**Author's Note:**

> i don't actually write angst a lot and i'm sorry for hurting josh, i fully blame roman for making him angsty.
> 
> ship inspired by A_M_Kelley's much sweeter, much better fic "Just Two Rich Boys And A Couple Of Brewskies," which i planned on writing a sequel to and instead i wrote this angst
> 
> enjoy!

There was an odd, blending contrast between the fire in Josh's blood and the electricity sparking between him and Conrad. He wasn't sure why it was surfacing now, of all times—why his mental problems always had to come bubbling to the surface in the midst of social events. They could still be in there, in Sam's house, with their friends. Instead they were out here, just outside the front door, making out against the wall.  
  
It was a little funny, in a not-_actually_-funny way. A few months ago, Josh would be wary to even be too close to Conrad if he knew anyone could find them. Now he just couldn't take it anymore.  
  
Honestly, he wasn't sure what he wanted. He liked this; he liked not having to stress about what people thought, liked feeling like his relationship with Conrad was a secret kept safely between the two of them, liked sneaking around with him. Except when he didn't. Like when he noticed Alex and Julia flirting and felt a little rush of jealousy that he couldn't do the same with Conrad. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place. They could stay like this, hiding forever, or they could be honest, and face the backlash that came with being themselves.  
  
Thinking back, Josh couldn't remember what feeling it was exactly that compelled him to do this. Possessiveness, spite, anger... Whatever it was, he doubted it was aimed at Conrad. He was just a helpful outlet. Or maybe a way for Josh to scream to the universe that _this_ was who he was, that he loved Conrad and he wasn't going to change that for anyone.  
  
"J-Jesus, dude," Conrad laughed when he pulled back for air, interrupting Josh's thoughts. He looked dazed. He was more than a little tipsy from drinking, though Josh really doubted he would object even if he were sober. "Coulda warned me you were gonna do that."  
  
Apparently Josh wasn't much in the mood for talking, too distracted by the emotions boiling inside him. With the little room he had in him for alternative feelings, he recognized a pinch of guilt for throwing Conrad into this without much warning, for kissing him again to avoid a conversation he wasn't ready for. If someone caught them, fine. If being in love was what sent his life into a downward spiral, at least he wouldn't have anything to regret.  
  
Josh's assault of kisses trailed down from Conrad's mouth to his neck. He rarely tried this in public places, primarily because Conrad couldn't keep his mouth shut. Especially when he'd been drinking. And yet, Josh didn't find himself scared of getting caught. It was more like he was _challenging_ someone to find them, to judge them for this. He wanted to hear Conrad moaning his name. He wanted _other _people to hear it.  
  
For the time, though, Conrad let him, tilting his head back and letting Josh abuse every bit of sensitive flesh on his neck. Josh could hear him _trying _to keep quiet, swallowing or inhaling sharply or sighing shakily. He did well enough for a bit, until Josh targeted a place under his jaw and he finally let out an involuntary groan, hands tightening in Josh's hair.  
  
"M— _ah_— maybe we shouldn't d-do this here," Conrad suggested with as much coherence as possible, squirming slightly. "Someone could hear us," he pointed out.  
  
"Let them." Josh looked up, admiring Conrad's flushed face. "I want them to see you like this."  
  
Conrad grinned, eyes playful. "Christ, Josh."  
  
Abandoning words yet again, Josh resumed, biting down above Conrad's collar bone. It wasn't too hard, just rough enough to earn another little moan. Conrad shifted, all the attention clearly working him up. Aside from typical impatience, though, he was fairly compliant.  
  
It seemed like a promising route to take, at least in terms of resolving all the emotions Josh couldn't seem to get rid of. But Josh never knew what he wanted, and his own actions never failed to surprise him, and without any sort of warning, he suddenly switched gears.  
  
"Say you love me," he blurted out.  
  
Not exactly the same attitude he'd had a few seconds ago. And he wasn't sure what he wanted from this. Validation? Satisfaction?  
  
Suddenly Conrad seemed more aware of what was happening than Josh. His expression softened and he ran a hand through Josh's hair. "I love you." It didn't feel how Josh expected, for all the build up. He expected it to be hard. "You know that," Conrad went on, leaning his head back against the wall and staring adoringly.  
  
And Josh suddenly didn't know what to say anymore.  
  
Conrad tilted his head, trying to move to get Josh to look at him. "Do you want this? I mean, like, do you really wanna get caught? Do you... want them to know?"  
  
"I..." Josh trailed off, unsure. "Do you?"  
  
Conrad shrugged nonchalantly. "Maybe," he said, like he wasn't sure himself. "I guess I don't mind either way."  
  
It wasn't like Josh didn't _want_ to, but the thought of the consequences was enough to make him really consider it. Given all the mental shit he already had to put up with, he wasn't sure he'd be able to cope with the stress of people knowing. Especially not his dad.  
  
Not that his relationship with his father was wholly terrible, but his parents were irritated enough by the fact that the only kid they had to show off now was depressed and insane. A college dropout. A disappointment. They tried hard enough to protect his image, more for their benefit than his. If they found out he was gay too?  
  
They'd yell. They'd blame him. For all he knew, they'd snap and send him away to some fucking conversion camp or something. He couldn't risk that. He couldn't risk losing Conrad.  
  
It wasn't his fault. He didn't ask to be the one to survive. He didn't ask to be this fucked up. They were right: he didn't deserve to be alive. They all knew it. But he couldn't change what happened no matter how much he wanted to.  
  
"Josh?" Conrad said, put off by his silence.  
  
He didn't wait very long for a reply; Josh's flustered, speechless expression spoke loud enough on its own. Conrad answered by pulling him into a hug. For as reckless, stupid and impulsive as Conrad could be, he was one of the most soft hearted people Josh had ever known. And he gave really good hugs.  
  
"It's okay," Conrad reassured.  
  
The fact that he cared this much meant more than Josh could say, or cared to. He felt stupid for being so emotional.  
  
After a moment, Conrad pulled back, just enough to meet Josh's eyes. "I love you so much," he breathed. There was something in his voice, something so _real_. Despite everything, Josh believed him. For whatever reason, Conrad _did_ love him for the unstable fucking psychopath he was.  
  
And even now—what, nine months into dating?—Josh couldn't help the feeling that something about this was taboo. Their open display of affection, of love. Somewhere in his mind, he still seemed to carry that thought that this wasn't allowed. He knew it was bullshit, but fuck, Conrad was the only one he felt comfortable being like this around, so maybe it still carried more weight than Josh thought.  
  
He took a breath, nodding slowly and reminding himself that they were fine, protected by the veil of secrecy. It was just Conrad and him. "I-I love you too," Josh murmured.  
  
Conrad beamed in response before pulling Josh into a messy, eager kiss. Something about it made Josh want to smile too. All the negative thoughts in his mind withdrew back into the shadows where they would, inevitably, emerge from again later. But right now, there was just Conrad, his arms around Josh's neck, the taste of beer on his tongue. And as long as Josh had him, he would be okay.  
  
He wasn't sure how long they kissed, right there outside Sam's front door in the dark, but when they stopped, Josh felt calm again. Safe, even.  
  
With a dopey giggle, Conrad rested his head against Josh's. "We should get going," he said, tilting his head to peck his boyfriend's lips a few more times. "We can continue this at your place," he added with a hint of something hopeful in his voice.  
  
Josh couldn't help grinning. "If you don't pass out first," he said, teasing. He glanced at the door briefly before looking back at Conrad, the idiot who owned Josh's heart. "Let's go."


End file.
